Dear Family,

You know this is a hard time of year for me, because most of you left me during this time. I can’t express how much I often dred it when it comes around. How much I want to avoid it but know I can’t. How much I wish you were here like you were supposed to be. You may be gone but not forgotten, my mind and my heart still thinks of you everyday.

To My Little Brother Timir
While vengeance is the lords to supply, I can’t say that my brain hasn’t thought about it often on occasion. I keep fighting for you, for Moses, for Uncle Bruce, for kam, daddy for everyone that I have lost.

I keep smiling because I know that is what you want; even though it hurts so bad still like it just happen. With everything else tied into this pain it almost becomes like death would seem easier, but I know that would not be the point. Justice will be served for you. Taken so young, in the midst of change, in the midst of making progress. A part of your brother died that day, the light that often showed in his smile was gone. I knew it was because you were gone. You will be forever missed. I know I am never alone because you are all there to guide me. Please do me a favor and tell my grand-dad I will make him proud. I won’t stop until I do.

Even now the tears fall like pools from my face and I just want to scream, but instead I won’t, I can’t. I am a solider bred in the heat of battle and solders don’t cry right? Just explain that why is it so fresh in my mind, why it hurts so badly.

To my dearest beloved Moses, there aren’t many days I go by that I don’t think of you. I think of your little fingers and toes and the feeling of flutters in my tummy every time you moved. The love you shined even without even entering this world before you passed on to the next was enough to bring joy to many like your godfathers , your grandmothers, great grandmother and especially your father.I had already lost a part of him when your uncle passed but I thought maybe you could help me bring it back. Then you were gone too and the man I knew disappeared and I was left without anything. It took a lot to keep my sanity that year. It took a lot for me to even get out of bed. But my love for your father and my love for you made me drag my ass out of bed each day to see about him and give thanks for you.

I wish you were around to grow up with you cousin’s and enjoy Christmas with two parents who definitely loved you. I understand the lord called you because he knew you were special, but as your mother I still selfishly wish you were here with me. I love you. You and your cousins love me unconditionally and I thank you.

To Mama G
I never got to meet you, chrissy would tell me about you. Through her words I felt like I knew you. So I took you as my mother as well since she is my twin. I know the pain of losing some one you love as you can see from this letter I have lost many, and I also understand the pain of losing a parent. I know you held on as best you could for her and the lord called you home. Please don't worry, I got her. I will do my best and my damnedest to ensure she understands that someone here loves her and some one is there for her. I may not have much but my sister is my keeper and I am hers.

Love Your
Sis/Grand niece/ Road Dawg/ Mother/ Daughter You are my angels.
R.I.P Timur
R.I.P Uncle Bruce
R.I.P Kam
R.I.P Moses
R.I.P Daddy
R.I.P Mama G

Another world wind day and I don't mean that in a happy way …

Calgon please, please take me away from the madness…..

I am sticking to music ….

So enjoy ….

Bubble bath here I come ……

Chrisette give me life ……..

Tomorrow……
Let’s Rock ……



Until Then

Duces

I understand there is a recession/depression going on but people are truly getting on my nerves with not paying what they owe. I am talking to a friend today and she was telling me that she has had a slew of potential clients that she has had to stop dealing with, because of the fact people truly don’t want to pay. This is like the 4th time this year I have had this convo with someone.

It is truly a problem.

I mean if you do a job you expect to be paid, as we do so why is it a problem. I then told her about the few people I have turned away because of the fact they tried to pull that old “When I come up , you going to come up” gag , or the “Come on my sista “ . Seriously? Are we still on that? Wait scratch that are you still on that? Because I’ve been off that, I have bills to pay, an over head to manage. People really need to understand that.

Everything I do, I put my heart and soul into it because of the fact it’s my name on the line not no one else’s and I have love for what I do. With that said, I don’t work for free; I may cut deals but trust me when I say nothing is free over here. There must be some numbers discussed that make it worth being bothered.

Then there are those who try to argue about the price, seriously boo? You want to argue about the price of my services and I already cut you a deal? Or you want to set a number so low that I should smack you for insulting me. I think not. Tell me your situation and we can come up with an agreement that we both can be satisfied by. I mean the things and the stories I have heard have almost brought me to tears from sheer laughter. I was nice about it I didn’t laugh in anyone’s face but once I was by myself I chuckled like I was a chipmunk on speed. I swear.

I had one person as me basically ask me to work for a non-consistent amount and a non-consistent pay schedule, basically “I pay you what I want and when I feel like it.” I choked on my drink. I am sorry quality work doesn’t come cheap. Not at all, and if you can pay 300.00 to this one to do this, you can pay me what I ask for. Period.

I am tired of being nice, because in the long run it doesn’t pay, there is always someone looking for a free ride, or trying to get over. Taking clear and blatant advantage of your kindness, without a second thought or concern of you and your well being nope isn’t going down anymore. Starting January 1st 2010 anyone without a signed contract that is in my online system and in my hands is getting dropped, anyone asking for assistance and is serious will have to pay for consultations. That goes for anyone new that signs on before 2010 as well. (The contract part). I’ve been nice enough and it’s not me being greedy, it’s not me getting Hollywood, it’s me being practical and knowing that being super nice and super sweet isn’t paying the bills Also knowing that if I am homeless tomorrow no one is opening their doors to me period. Business is never personal with me, ever. Just like you got to pay me someone got to pay you, someone got to pay them and the chain of command goes.

This isn’t all roses and cotton candy. There is a lot of hours that go into what I am doing here, from researching through Lexus nexus on information, and cross referencing, to writing up press releases and sending them out regularly via email, twitter, snail mail, the company blog, fax. To showing up at events to ensure that my clients name is accounted to pitching stories to various news outlets and mags. I don’t just sit here and blankly stare at the screen chatting on twitter all day. Wtf do you think this is?

I am the one that cleans up the messes when people fuck up and I am the one who bigs up the good deeds to ensure the world knows. I am the one who makes the connections in-between from the dark corner of the room. I mean seriously do you know how tired I am some nights when I go out networking? Bouncing from one location to another location to another location and then coming home and mapping out who is a legitimate contact and who isn’t, following up with calls the next day and then putting them into system so I can get at them at will if I find they fit the build for something I am pitching, coming up with angles. Dude its exhausting. Then to do all of that, make head way, get them noticed, and get screwed on payment. Oh I so don’t think so. No more nice lexy.

Me and the young lady both agreed we were no longer worrying about how we are perceived , because if they aren’t worrying about us why should we worry about them.

I then had a talk with every one of my clients and pretty much put my grievances, complaints, questions, suggestions and etc out there. Making sure I stated clearly at anytime you feel unhappy with my services, or what I am saying is a problem you are free to vacate your position because there are plenty of people that want it. I was professional about it, I was polite about it. How it was received is to me at this point non-issue because if they are professionals they understood me loud and clear. I shouldn’t have had to even do that, but you know sometimes people don’t quite understand where you’re coming from where you’re nice and accommodating, they don’t get the point until you become super bitch.
This is not just a problem for me as a small business owner; the larger businesses face the same issue. It does not apply to everyone, but it does apply and that’s the problem.

Ok sooooo my life is doing a kaleidoscope motion and not in a good way , I have been receiving tons upon tons of bad or shocking news and honestly it has knocked me on my ass . I am so confused I am not exactly sure what to make of it all. I keep praying, I keep moving but honestly I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch something. I am so frustrated.

I just keep trying to remove the frustration of it all without taking some ones head off; unfortunately if people keep trying my patience I will do as such without an apology. It’s like messing with a hurt animal right now, it will snap at you to protect itself. Yet no one listens until the bomb explodes and collateral damage becomes their name.

I mean from family to friends everything has been handed to me with a stamp of “whoa”. Several hard pills to swallow, several pivotal moments where action is definitely needed. I just shake my head. I was ok just a couple of days ago now I am going ok wtf? The people I want to talk to and get comfort from, unfortunately I choose not to involve. It wouldn’t be fair. So I remain and suffer in silence (which is usually how I do anyways). The few I have confided in either gave me the “damn” of doom , or made the story about them , mean while I am biting my tongue till it bleeds at their selfish , self centered focus. I just shake my head thinking... “Karma is such a bitch … oh when she get to you; it’s so going to be lights out “and then I gradually find a way to remove myself.

I have been working night and a day trying to get things in order and trying to find solutions to the multiple problems that seem to be growing by the hour. I press on keeping my face tight as stone to ensure everyone else keeps it together, because if I lose it everyone else seems to do the same. It isn’t easy, and I am so totally afraid it’s going to get stuck and then I will end up with the frustration and anxiety of an unexpressed pent up aggression. I’ve been there and it’s so not pretty at all.

I will figure how to deal with the land slide. I have no other choice but to work it out right? It’s not like I can exactly depend on anyone else, or believe that anyone’s concern comes from the heart. I have had a few interviews for a day gig that is definitely a great thing because at one point nothing was happening. All the money made from the day job will be solely to feed the needs of blue orchid. Profits gained on blue orchid and the night job pay the bills. I am taking things to the next level appropriately; I can’t do a half assed job with my baby.

If I want it to be recognized by the appropriate people, I have to up the stakes and turn up the gas. We have to cook a little harder, push a little faster, grind even though we need rest. My dreams and destiny have become finally a focal point and I see it as obtainable so …. I am running…… Full Speed… Toward IT!.

Yes I am holding out on information purposely. I have made too many proclamations, and landed on my ass to put myself on Front Street again. I am not fond of the way crow tastes. Although I will admit that I am woman enough to say I have been wrong before which lead to me being hurt. This is why I am chilling with this. I haven’t given a title, and not going too. I am just going to sit pretty and enjoy the flow.
My girl Chan is always yelling at me about running in guns a blazing and fucking up the mood. Guns are down; I have no expectations except the truth and to enjoy. So until I know more I am just as in the dark as you all are. I am sorry but unfortunately that is how it has to be. I think that’s pretty mature of me. Normally I gush like a giddy school girl and rant and rave with hearts coming out of my head.

Not This Time.

Anyways in other news the business is coming along, I am learning a lot and meeting a lot of great people in the process. I am still in love with it as I was when I first started, although I do admit I often do get frustrated. While I try to find a less abrasive way to relieve my frustration, sometimes things need to be addressed and I have no shame on doing so. Where do I see my company on its 2yr anniversary? I see it doing bigger and better things. I see it being still a strong active force within the industry. I will make it happen, I have no choice; I must see it through to the end.

I am not running from this, I am going to make it do what it do till it can’t do it anymore.

Lmao I swear I liked this song before , but singing and dancing to it with him has made it one of the top picks in my zune. It makes me giggle recalling the memory. We were flawlessly fly. The emotions are real. I can sit on this cloud all day. Know this . HA!

*dances again*

*throws throttle hand up* YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Sometimes we can’t help how we feel about people we associate with. Sometimes we end up feeling more than we anticipated and sometimes we really aren’t sure we feel what we feel until we are placed in a situation that we have to admit and own it.
I often look at life as a game of chance but not lately, paths have been laid and crossed and I have been following them. Some of them take me down roads I’ve already been down but they have new stops and pitfalls, others are new and I explore with caution.

There are a few questions you are asking right now considering the song that is playing. Am I speaking about emotions and relationships? Yes I am. Am I speaking of some one in particular? Yes I am. Who? That isn’t for public consumption; this is one you will learn about after the fact. Trust on that. Now that my life has become subject to public curiosity and public scrutiny due to my business I have decided to just play the back with this one.

A girl has to have some secrets you know. The designated people know and that is pretty much all that matters to me at this point. Is it serious? Somewhat. But there is no need to throw rose petals to the wind and expect wedding bells to ring anytime soon. I am riding the wave on this one. I pushed the envelope with lyric and look where it got me. I bared my soul with Mr. Forever (the ex-husband) and got judged. Now I am just chilling in the cut.

Well are you happy? I am pretty much happy but always could be happier. I am sure there are many more questions but let’s just leave it at what it is right now. I am so into him.

Today is national HIV/ AIDS awareness day for the rest of the world, but for me it is every day. I have seen how this has devastated just my community and honestly can’t even imagine outside of my own county. Yes I said county.

I don’t understand the logic that many follow about not getting tested & unprotected sex. Why is it so hard to put on a condom? It protects against pregnancy as well as the spread of disease. I shake my head when I hear men in conversation telling each other almost in a brag they “went up in her raw” and someone usually objects and his statement is always the same “she looked clean yo, so anyways”.
This is not a game, people are dying , please protect yourself, don’t just take one day out of the year to care. Care everyday...